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Beginning - New Bark>cherrygrove>new Bark

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Henry Spencer


I download the ROM, start the game up, and am treated to an interesting cutscene prominently showing some Pokemon's ass, plus a bunch of Unown.

New game, boy, 11:20 PM. Cutscene with Oak and Wooper. That thing looks so dumb. Plus, it's immune to electric, so the first time I tried to attack it in Gold with my Mareep, I was like, "WTF is this shit?". Continuing the cunscene, I name myself Fagbalz because that name is awesome. Walked out of my house, grabbing the Poke Gear, and headed over to that Elm's house/lab/whatever. Wait a sec... who is this lady, and why the fuck is she in my house? Her daughter wants to be Elm's assistant... m'kay. That won't happen, I'm sure.


So, I'm not sure what to take as a starter. Chikorita blows, fuck that. I used Cyndaquil in Gold, and he was pretty useless until I got to the Steel-type gym, where he still had no fire attacks better than Ember and couldn't take out a Steelix. Totodile seem interesting, but slow. I guess I'll try him. lol, no I won't. I take Cyndaquil and name him PYRO because I'm original like that. Totally didn't do that in Gold as well.

Got a Potion from Elm's assistant. Sure doesn't look like a chick.

Head out the door, let my rival kick me in the balls a few times because I llllllllove it.

Already wishing I had a damn bike... why can't you be like, y'know... not poor and own one already?


First battle... will it be something epic and exciting? OF COURSE NOT. Whereas in Gold I found Sentret, a Pokemon I had never heard of before, my first fight in Crystal is against a Rattata. Totally original! I definitely did not fight this thing first in Red, Blue, or Yellow, nope!


The early game is described as such: "He who Tackleth first wins. No exceptions."

I take a jaunt onto Route 46 to see if I can find a Jigglypuff for some good XP. LOLNO. My second battle is against a Geodude... fuck. I throw a couple Leers in there, just to shake him up and throw him off-guard, but he continues to Tackle incessantly! Why God, whyyyy?

Tackle (Berry because I'm getting my ass kicked by a level 2 rock)
*miss* (What the fuck. How do you miss something slower than dogshit?)

I get up to the Berry tree without any more fights and make Pyro hold it because the little fucker is getting his shit kicked by rocks. Hop the fence, and BAM! Rattata. Here's my level!

Tackle *crit*

Pyro - Level 6
Attack - 12
Defense - 11
Spl. Atk. - 14
Spl. Def. - 12
Speed - 13
HP - 22

Pyro learned Smokescreen, which is a completely useless move unless you're being outclassed by a faggot with a Raticate that likes to Quick Attack/Hyper Fang spam.

Walk into Cherrygrove and follow the old pedophi- ahem, man's tour to get a map. lol, the Pokemon Mart sells BALLS. "Here... It's my house! Please come inside, I have candy. :3"

Heal and head to Route 30. Can't wait for the Tackle spam coming in the Rival battle. Grabbed the 2 Berries, one from the tree and another from the man in the house. Ooo, my next battle is against a Hoothoot. I caught one of these things in Gold and tried to use it. I quickly realized it's outclassed by Pidgey.

Smokescreen (for the hell of it)

Grab the Antidote above the house, although I can't imagine any poison types exist this early. Grab the Psncureberry outside Mr. Pokemon's pad, also wonder why that's there. Just give me something useful, like a Berry...

Go in and get the MYSTERY EGG. OMG, WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, I'M SO FUCKIN' EXCITED. Talk to Oak, blah blah blah, Pokedex, time to get back to Elm. I get a call outside talking about a break-in, oh noes! I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Figures, the first tuft of grass I touch has a... wat? Poliwag? I don't remember this... and it knows Bubble. Super.

Tackle (Berry is used here because I'm taking a whopping 5 damage a turn to this fucker for having a type weakness ALREADY)

Pyro - Level 7
Attack - 14
Defense - 13
Spl. Atk. - 15
Spl. Def. - 14
Speed - 15
HP - 24


Continuing back, I figured I might as well get Pyro to level 8. Next up on the kill list is Spinarak. There's my poison. It is just now that I noticed the character models move. It made me do a double-take and say "What the... fuck?" out loud.

Tackle *crit*

Then Hoothoot:

Tackle x4

Pyro - Level 8
Attack - 15
Defense - 14
Spl. Atk. - 17
Spl. Def. - 15
Speed - 17
HP - 26

Time to massacre Rival. I wonder what I'll name him? Heal at the Pokemon Center and walk out of town to confront him. His battle music is so fuckin' awesome. He has Totodile, of course, and it's gonna go down quick.


Totodile - Level 5


Tackle x3
*miss* (^%#%$&^%$!)
Tackle x2

Easy win, easy money, but no level. That's gay. Sorry bro, it's pretty tough to be a Pokemon champion whem I'm going to constantly kick your ass. So back at Elm's, it's time to give my Rival a name. Do I give him a real, respectible name? Of course not. Asshat works perfectly. Grabbed my balls from the aide (insert dirty joke here), then talked to my mom. Normally I would have her save my money, but last game it resulted in her buying shit I didn't need and me being out of money until the Lake of Rage. I save near the exit of New Bark, and decide to leave it for another day.
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